It’s time to change….it’s time to grow up
I have changed.
I am approaching 30 – I am loved, I am loveably and I am loving. I am worthy of change, I am ready to start my own personal improvement.
I have always worked since I left school, I am University educated, I have a good job, I have travelled the world and have many, many happy memories. I had a wonderful childhood, a wonderful family. I, like most people have had relationships and friendships fall apart, this is all part of growing up. I lost my father in my very early 20’s – everything changed.
I thought I was in control. I thought I was just the ‘life of the party’. I thought I just had a sharp tongue and a quick mind and that is why people liked me, why people wanted to be my friend. There are only so many times you hear various friends describe you as the “funny bitch”, the “quick witted one”, the “sarcastic but hilarious one”, before you let that define you. I was functional, but only on the surface. Sometimes I stopped being funny, sometimes I was just f*cking mean – that’s not ok.
I could draw a crowd, I could get the laughs. Maybe if they kept laughing, they wouldn’t see how ‘not okay’ I was. I was (am) a sarcastic ars*hole at times, but when I love, I love big. I am empathetic, I am caring and I will do anything to help my friends.
I foolishly neglected my closest girlfriends for a while, they were settled or in relationships. Some lived far away. I had a new crowd – Friday-Saturday friends. Not real friends. Not close friends. Not loving friends. I was their entertainment. There for the weekend, sure as sh*t would not be there for you mid-week if you needed someone to talk to.
I finally sought help, my ability to circle the drain in 0-10 seconds was astronomical. I was diagnosed with chronic anxiety and major depressive disorder. How can the loudest person in the room with the loudest laugh have anxiety and depression? Acting. Event to myself, apparently. I was placed on medication, I thought ‘this is only temporary’. I am still on medication. Modern medicine – respect it for what it is.
I have tried to go off the medication, sometimes I could not afford to keep filling the script (in my mid-20’s my priority was booze, travel and junk food). Idiot.
Mid-20’s – lots and lots of travel. See the world, get away – get some perspective. Work hard – use the money to see different parts of the world. Amazing. Rewarding. The best. Come home from travelling, something changed again. Friendships did not fit anymore. I was changing, I was not as self-destructive.
So, I changed. I ended the friendships which were toxic/negative/destructive. Some friendships were renewed, some transitioned well, from the pub and drunken weekends to mid-week dates, respectful treatment of each other and regular phone calls. Not all though – that’s ok.
I am going to get better.
I am going to learn how to use my sarcasm for good and not for tearing myself down.
I am going to go back to the gym.
I am going to channel my negative energy into something positive.
I have almost finished my degree.
I am getting married next year.
I have finally found a job which makes me happy.
I have some absolutely precious souls as my friends.
I live in a wonderful country with no immediate threats to my safety, family or wellbeing.
So I will learn to be happy and positive and to celebrate my gains (i.e. I am going to cheer the f*ck up).