2016….I actually kind of loved it. I know, I know. This makes me a bad person – how could somebody have enjoyed a year which was (as per social media), the worst year on record (?). I brought 2016 in pretty quietly, drinking on my balcony with my fiancé and watching the fireworks from afar – I am fairly certain I was asleep by 12:06.
2016 saw me turn 30, finish my Bachelor’s Degree, married the love of my life, had a couple of holidays. Why had I been so ridiculously worried about turning 30? What a ridiculously vapid and innocuous thing to be concerned about. So you were afforded the chance to age another year, poor me! Fool. Team 30 – let’s do this.
My wedding + honeymoon was the highlight – we saved for a year and a half – ate sad food and spent most of our time saving pennies and going to the gym before-hand. It was so worth it. We had a magical day & now I can call him my Husband, so that’s pretty special. I think I said ‘fiancé’ once – couldn’t do it – sounded bizarre. Considering I am a Queenslander (Australia for those playing overseas) – my accent and the word ‘fiancé’ – disaster.
I love my job, love where I live (I rent, I do not own), I adore my city. My friendships are incredible, my family is doing well & I am a recently married 30 year old, living in a pretty safe and privileged part of the world. I am not rich, but I am well aware that if you are not living in poverty then you are in the top 1% of the world (Global Rich List).
Life is great. Until it isn’t. I (like 45% of the Australian population) had some pretty bleak moments with my depression and anxiety in 2016. If anything, I felt (and feel) as though the dark moments are getting darker, harder to control – like a heavy weighted blanket on me, pulling me to the ground.
I had the most amazingly fun 30th birthday part, with interstate and international visits, it was such a fun day, surrounded by my love ones. I woke up the next day feeling bitterly sad and anxious. It took me a month to remember what a wonderful day it was. Thanks depression.
My Graduation – I was so proud of what I had achieved, I had worked so hard to get to that day. Then on the day I was so anxious, I could barely focus on the day at hand. Instead all of my smiles in my photos look strained, I look terrified. We marched around the small country town and I had indents on my palms from where I had clenched my fists the entire time. I tried to speak to the girls next to me in the march, but they were friends and I was a ‘weird’ outsider trying to talk to them. I worked 5 years to get that degree and I couldn’t even enjoy the day.
Our beautiful wedding. Wonderful day. As of the next day, depression had kicked in. I barely cracked a smile for a week. I could not control it. It is not an active choice. I do not enjoy being miserable, I know I am poor company. I know it’s draining. I can’t ‘just cheer up’. I can choose to try and control my behaviour though, I will. That is my goal this year.
I can be fun, I love a good laugh, I enjoy life. So – 2017, this is the year I gain control. I completely understand that we all have highs and lows, but I am looking to work out why my highs are so high and why my lows, are so low. The moods have gotten worse, I have little control of them.
2017 – the year for self-love!~
My 2017 plans are:
~Enjoy the year!
~attempt to read 52 books throughout the year & to gain something from each book I read.
~be thankful for everything that is great in my life.
~stop doing sh*t I hate. I am sorry, that’s quite crass, but I mean it. I am exhausted and over doing stuff I don’t like.
~journal / blog where I can.
I hope to meet/speak with like-minded bloggers this year, please feel free to leave me a comment or send me a message!
Happy New Year!!!