Week 5 – 25 January 2017
I almost had an out of body experience on the weekend. I wanted to reach out and slap myself for being such an indignant, rude and overly sensitive jerk. After watching the dates, it is now ridiculous thing to acknowledge that, yes, my moods are much worse the week leading up to me period. There is PMS, but I am certain it is getting worse
Who would have thought that documenting it and watching the dates would help me realise, without a doubt, that YES, I may be pre-menstrual but I’m also really touchy and agitated and horrible to be around.
I felt myself blowing up on Saturday morning for absolutely no reason (except a woman always has a reason and will happily explain it to the shocked party). I could feel control slipping away and knew the acid tongue was going to take control. So I grabbed my towel and I went. To. The. Gym.
Honestly the self control that took was beyond anything I can comprehend. When I’m cranky and ready for an argument I’m ALL in. I could write (and did but then deleted) a list of battles one, my methods, how I take down my enemy. What would be the point? It is not something to be proud of. I am not, by nature a vicious person. When I am hurt or upset though, I can become quite nasty. My temper becomes out of control. I had a friend once tell me that my temper was disgusting and that I was repulsive. These words hurt me so much, our friendship never recovered.
Repulsive. By definition it paints a picture of ugliness, of unreasonableness. Something, or someone, so grotesque that they are repulsive. I talked to my Mum about it, through tears. My Mum, who is my best friend agreed. She said yes, your temper is repulsive because you are trying to repel the person away from you. You say or do something so hurtful, they will back away. She likened this to a frill-neck lizard – trying to scare the thing in front of you to leave you alone.
I HATE it. It is horrible to be so out of control. I do not remember ever being like this, it was never this bad. Is it worse now that I am paying attention to it, or it it genuinely
After I had gone to the gym, sweated and burnt off my negative energy, I went home. Typically I would ignore my Husband for days, as he would I. Maybe taking some breaks here and there to spit hurtful words at one another.
Except this time was different. I apologised to Hubby for being a sh*t, he apologised for stirring me up and then everything was ok. I felt like for the first time in over two years, I allowed maturity and reasoning to prevail. This is how I used to be.
This week, from the above occurrence alone, I am both brave enough and self-aware enough to acknowledge I have learnt the following this week:
- I can be in control of my moods and exclamations.
- Exercise is still the devil but it will take away that yucky negative energy and you will be too tired to carry on with said attitude.
Goodreads Challenge Book 5: The Couple Next Door by Shari Lapena.
Now, to relate this to my last book. In terms of carrying on and throwing a fit and normally arguing and being agitated for days (again I’m aware of it, I’m just not always in control of it), this actually can affect your relationship with your neighbours.
We live in a tiny apartment, you can hear your neighbours sneeze and smell their dinner; so I’m aware they probably hear when Hubby and I are having a verbal disagreement.
We also hear all of our neighbours. Our neighbours all like to stare down their noses at each other. Our neighbours who lives above us is the worst. This woman has NEVER returned my smile or greeting EVER. She likes to look at you like you’re the filth on the bottom of her shoe. She must not realise I hear her pee every morning given her bedroom and ensuite are directly above mine. Anyways.
The Couple Next Door is a thrilling read, how can you ever really know your neighbours? It made me more aware that even though I may only see our neighbours once a day, they can hear us. They can hear me. I can hear them, too.
We don’t know each other, they are entitled to their opinions I guess. I just wish a returned smile would occur occasionally. I don’t want to have dinner with them and look at photos of their relatives. I just don’t want to feel uncomfortable in the hallway, or have them drop the door in my face when my arms are full.
Anyways. That’s me. I hope everyone has a nice week.