- 15 February 2017 – Week 6
LIES. Big or small. Lies are lies. Lies are damaging, poisonous, mean spirited and a recipe for disaster.
I was not in a good headspace. At all. I do apologise for my last blog entry, it was not very positive – I know that. I do think using the Love Letter format did help me process some feelings though.
Everything is fine on the home-front, until next time of course. I have looked into practicing mindfulness – not so much meditation but becoming more aware of what is going on. I doubt I will ever harness the level of control it takes to stop a panic attack and consequential melt-down, but hopefully the awareness will stop me reacting as terribly as what I do.
I am reactive. Whether I am happy, upset, scared, depressed, feeling blue, nervous, excited – whatever the feeling – I react. My Husband on the other hand, shuts down. Bottles it all in. Has no reaction. So when I react poorly – he bails – he retreats – he says nothing. He ignores, after years and years together he still seems to think that if he ‘leaves me be’ everything will come good. That’s not how I work – I boil. I brood. I get angrier. Because I am already in my swing of emotions and rapidly heading down the rabbit hole, I interpret his behaviour as being arrogant, very egotistical and ignorant when he is angry. Those two types of people do not always play well together!
It’s not all bad though. We are just both very head strong people, he likes to joke that we are both alpha’s. It’s cute that he thinks that haha (most people wait until he is out of ear-shot to let me know who the alpha is). Which is a funny joke when everyone is getting along. It isn’t so funny when two people stop remembering to love each other and stop the warfare, all for the sake of being right.
I read ‘Lie with me’ by Sabine Durant the last week or so. It took a bit for me to get into it, I wasn’t in the right head space. It took more like 2 weeks for me to read it. I am not sure if it was because it was from a man’s point of view or if I had perhaps read too many thriller-type books.
This book was fun, there were some great twists, well written.
Lies. How quickly they develop, how quickly they escalate – so what did I learn?
- Little lies create big lies.
- Saying ‘I’m ok’ or ‘Nothing’s wrong’ when this isn’t the case is not ok. You are lying to the person who is caring enough to ask. You don’t then get to get the shits when they leave it there. It is not another person’s job to continue to dig or prod until you fess up.
- Do not lie to yourself. You don’t need to ignore your feelings. Address them. Being upset is ok. Not being ok, is ok.
Happy Weekend everyone – a bit disjointed but so are my thoughts today.