Wow. I mean, wow. This is the 19th week of the year. I cannot convey how astronomically different I feel from the start of the year.
The change in my moods, outlook, motivation and my love for others has just returned to what I used to be.
My medication has not changed, personal and working circumstances the same. Diet and exercise the same. Stress levels the same. Nothing has changed. The only thing different is that I had my IUD removed.
I still have subtle mood changes, I still feel pain or rejection or shame, but that is a lifetime battle. That I know.
I had the Mirena removed two months ago and guess what? Not a single mood swing since. Sure, I’ve experienced PMS. I might still get annoyed or peeved at different things but I’m not crashing and burning like I was. The suspicion, the disgusting anger and contempt. All gone.
My relationship is improving every day. They say you don’t truly know your partner for at least four years. I just did not expect a form of contraception to so heavily (negatively) impact my relationship or quality of life.
I really want to harness this feeling, get to know who I am again, without the paranoid angry side effects. Without the screaming or yelling. Without tearing my soul limb to limb, searching for, but never finding answers.
What I’m learning
- I am in charge of me.
- I may not be able to control what happens in life but I can control how I choose to react.
- Life is beautiful and it’s never too late to try again.
I was able to read this one during my trips to/from work this week.
I had heard a lot about this book and was certainly prepared for the tears (which I had been told would definitely happen). I ran the book passed my Husband, so he knew if I was walking around sad, to be prepared.
When he read the jacket for the book, he gave me the most sarcastic two thumbs up you have ever seen, his face was visibly pained. He also knows me better than any other, he affectionately reminds me that I have way too many feelings.
At the end of the day, he’s the person trying to get me up and moving when I lay around feeling catatonically depressed. So, he has to be forgiven for occasionally trying to step-in and maybe remove (prohibit) any such ‘contraband’ which may set me off, unnecessarily.
Once I watched the Notebook on Christmas Eve. Yep, just let that soak in.
Me: “I think it’s good to have a healthy appreciation of what actually happens in the world. It’s good to be reminded that the world is scary and we are very fortunate”.
Husband: “I don’t disagree with you. However when you read a book and don’t go to work the next day because you can’t stop crying and are desperately sad for a week, some people, including myself might call that an UNhealthy appreciation, Lucy”. *as sarcastic as you can imagine*.
So, nevertheless I started this book on Monday and finished it yesterday, on Wednesday.
No tears. Which is astonishing because the book’s premise was tragic. Very sad, indescribably unfair and haunting. A 5 year old boy and all he knows is the room he lives in, with his Ma. I won’t give too much away but the book was great. It was well written, the whole idea was scary and sad and reflective of some recent world event.
The book challenged me. I want to think outside the box, I want to consider perspectives I’m not familiar with and broaden my horizons. I never want to take for granted my personal situation or forget how hard some people do it.
I look forward to seeing the movie, I’ve heard there is more of a fair representation of ‘Ma’s’ point of view.
What I’ve learnt from ‘Room‘
- Never take for granted what you’ve got.
- You will never, ever have th your same perspective as another.
- Even if something dreadful ends, the change itself may be more destructive.
- You can create a life with very little indeed.